It turns out the actual number is quite a bit bigger. I originally said that at 8 ozs. per load of baby poo, times the number of months (6), times the number of days in a month (avg. 30) and I ended up with 90 lbs. of poo. What I didn't include were the multiple loads of baby poo one has to deal with each day. So, if we figure the average number of diapers per day is 12, then we figure that not all of those diapers will be of the poo variety, we'll say about 3/4 of them (based on the number of feedings - one book gives a 1:1 ratio between the number of feedings and the number of poos, and we'll say the baby eats every 2-3 hours which puts us at say, 9 feedings) what we really end up with is 810 lbs. of poo in 6 months. That makes it about the size of your average high school varsity basketball team. Good grief.
Last night I wrote about some of the larger, in metaphysical terms, things I want to teach our little monkey (monkey sounds better than 'it', and since we don't know the sex, I'll stick with monkey for now). Today Alison and I were talking and I realized that there are a number of more specific things I want to teach the kid:
- farting in public is perfectly acceptable as long as you claim it proudly.
- You don't get better practicing something with someone who is worse than you. Always try to find someone to learn from.
- the best cure for a hangover is not to get one in the first place. And if your dad catches you drinking on a Friday night, you can be pretty sure you'll be mowing the lawn at sunrise the next day.
- That nerdy kid getting picked on in gym class has a good chance of being your boss one day. Be nice to everyone.
- "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me," is crap. Words hurt. And there are instances when some name callers deserve a swift kick in the delicates.
- If you aren't within driving distance of the ocean, be careful ordering seafood. Especially deep fried crabcakes at a gas station.
- Love can be the greatest thing on earth, or the most painful. Be careful getting into it.
- If it's spicy and it burns going down, odds are it won't feel so great coming out.
- The race doesn't always go to the fastest, nor the fight to the strongest, but that is the way to bet.
- Drugs are bad, m'kay!?!?!
- Nickelback always has, and always will be, a second rate ripoff of Bush, who were never much more than a third rate ripoff of Nirvana.
- Barney must die.
- Never go all in with middle pair, unless you know the other guy can be bluffed. And even then, it ain't a good idea.
- Never wear brown shoes with black pants.
- Paris Hilton is not a role model. Unless by role model you mean talentless harlot.
- if the choice must be made, being a smartass is much better than being a dumbass.
- The Lakers are the greatest team in NBA history. While the kid will most likely never live in L.A., it is totally acceptable for our child to be a Lakers fan, for the same reason it's OK for me to be a Lakers fan - hereditary. My dad, who is from the L.A. area, raised me as one, so I get to pass it on my kid. (I can't say the same about the Yankees, as the biggest reason I liked them is that it is easy to get Mariners fans to make irrational bets based on sheer hatred of the Yankees, rather than any serious ties I have to the New York area.)
- Never point a loaded gun at anyone; and the collary to this: never point an unloaded gun at someone.
I'm sure I'll think of more...
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