Like A Sailor Pt. 1

“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” – Mark Twain

As has been pointed out by any number of people, from Mommy, to my parents (mostly my own mom), and one colleague in particular, I have a filthy mouth. I have a degenerate’s vocabulary, which tends to litter almost every conversation I have with multiple four-letter words, a couple three-letter words, and a number of words with higher letter counts related to the preceding three-, and four-letter words.

I curse. A lot.

It’s always been this way. I have had a penchant for profanity, and have been getting in trouble for it, ever since I can remember.

While Mommy, before she was Mommy, and was Sexy Lady (not to say she isn’t Sexy Lady now, but it has been usurped as her primary roll, much as my previous incarnation as Rebellious Rebel who is Rebelling has been usurped by my primary role as Daddy Day Care), has always taken issue with the frequency with which certain words were used in everyday conversation, the vehemence with which she objects to me using such language has increased dramatically.

This is of course due to the presence of Baby Girl, and Mommy’s fears that one day Baby Girl might come home from school with a note describing in vivid detail all of the naughty words she was calling her teacher. Or worse yet the inappropriate language Baby Girl might use in front of someone while in the presence of Mommy.

While part of me is terrified of that day, if I’m being honest, a good part of me is laughing on the inside at the thought of it. Let’s face it, kids using profanity is hilarious. Not only do those words sound funny coming out of the mouths of babes, they usually pick the most inappropriate times to use them, increasing the hilarity by a factor of 10 or so.

For instance, when I had my appendix out, I was in Germany, in a German hospital. My own mom had taught her little munchkins German, and was very proud of the fact, and as I remember the local doctors were pleasantly surprised to find that the ugly Americans had bothered to learn the language of their host country. Now, after the surgery, I was hooked up to the requisite bottles of IV fluids etc., and at one point the doctors had to poke another needle in me to find a better vein. The intern who was sticking me took about six tries to find said vein. I took issue with his incompetence and began to let loose a stream of words that my mom certainly hadn’t taught me in German. She was standing there next to the doctor, in what I can only assume was extreme mortification. Now however, she laughs at the whole thing.

I mention all of that only to highlight the fact that, indeed, kids and profanity are awesome, even if it does take some time for the hilarity to find its proper place.

All of that being said, I do understand why Mommy would prefer Baby Girl didn’t pick up my adult vocabulary. I would agree that having Baby Girl walk into a family get together and say “Hello mother******” would not do much for my standing with my in-laws-to-be, and would have Mommy red in the face with rage in her heart.

So I’m modifying my speech as much as is possible for a guy like me given the time constraints I’ve been given (as in, Mommy would prefer I stopped cursing altogether immediately). Stopping cold turkey is unrealistic. Not only is it too deeply ingrained in my brain, but I am an observer of the political and social happenings in our country, and too many of our political and social figures really are ****ing useless bags of ****, and I would find it hard not to call them like I see them. Also, I live and drive in Texas, and God bless ‘em, most of these people turn into retarded donkeys when they put the key in the ignition. They are to driving what Paris Hilton is to dignity and class.

I am making improvements though. Since most of the time when I’m in the car, Baby Girl is in the car with me, and a good deal of the stress I feel the need to curse to relieve is in the car, I have managed to reduce not only the frequency with which profanity spills forth, but I also have managed to modify my choice of words. I’ve almost completely stopped using curse words that start with “f”, “c”, “m”, “s”, end in “hole”, or modify any of the those words.

I am now almost exclusively using “ass” and modifications thereof. “Ass hat”, “ass pants”, “ass clown”, “dumbass” and “jackass” are now my primary means of expressing my displeasure with the not only other drivers, but the mass of humanity that I take issue with.

Mommy probably isn’t going to be pleased if Baby Girl says “ass hat” in a public setting, but it beats the alternatives.

And really, if I can train Baby Girl to say “ass clown” whenever a member of congress opens their mouth on TV, who can be mad at that?