I Never...

This is a game called “I Never”, the Parenthood Edition.

I never thought I’d find myself babbling incoherently in public again. I quit drinking, except on very rare occasions, years ago. Now however, I find the words “ooga booga booga, bay bay girl” coming out of my mouth in very inappropriate places. Like crowded malls, restaurants, and Starbucks. With increasing frequency, and at volumes I never would have thought were appropriate.

I never thought my reaction to being puked on would be to wipe the person’s mouth off with my own shirt, and then rub the rest of the puke into my shirt so that it didn’t get on my shorts, and then go back to whatever I was doing as if nothing happened.

I never thought my reaction to a screaming child two tables over at a restaurant would be a knowing and sympathetic smile shared with the child’s parents.

I never thought there were as many children in public as there are. Funny how you notice different things when your priorities change.

I never thought my girlfriend would accuse me of driving like an old man, because I now prefer caution over the near maniacal death trip every other idiot on the road seems to be on.

I never thought I’d be breaking out a large baggie of white powder in a crowded mall, without any fear whatsoever of being arrested.

I never thought I would be so vehemently opposed to the ever increasing slutification of children’s clothing. Disgusted by it in a generally aloof manner, sure, but not to the point where I wanted to slap the designer for being such a dirtbag.

I never thought I’d find myself turning off a TV show because I was worried about what kind of effect it would have on the other people in the room. Dear Jeebus, have you people seen the crap they put on during the day? No wonder kids these days are turning into hopeless douchebags.

I never thought my biggest concern when leaving the house would be whether or not the bag I packed had enough diaper wipes, diapers, burp clothes, a change of outfits, a boobie hider for impromptu feedings, toys, hand sanitizer, changing pad, purified water for formula, and an extra bottle. All I ever needed before were my keys, my wallet and my phone.

I never thought that I would find myself cleaning someone else’s poop off my hands with anything less than rage in my heart. These days it’s mild bemusement.

I never thought I would find myself debating the merits of leashing children. Frankly I used to think it was a great idea. I was all for muzzles too. Now I think I’d slap any stranger who had the temerity to suggest it.

I never thought I’d find myself telling myself that I needed to sweep and vacuum on a daily basis. Or look at a coating of dust on an entertainment center, and immediately start looking for the pledge.

I never thought I’d be able to wake up earlier than 10 a.m. on a regular basis without a gun to my head. Now I find myself conscious around 7 a.m. almost every day like it’s normal.

Of course I never thought I’d have kids either, so I guess that’s what I get for thinking.